I don’t understand how people that I meet and become friends with claim they understand me and say are just as sad, but then in a months time they are happy. I don’t understand how they get better and happy, but I try to be positive and nothing changes. I really do try, but I feel as though I am destined to go through this life depressed. I feel like I know too much and sometimes I feel like those who are happy are ignorant. I really don’t know. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how people can eat fattening foods and not feel bad. I haven’t eaten carbs or sweets since I was little without feeling extremely disappointed in myself afterward. I don’t understand how people go day to day and live this life happily. I don’t understand how they expect me to be. I don’t understand why I eat, gain, and cry when I could be starving. Either way I will be sad, so why do I eat? Do I think the momentary flavors in my mouth will keep me happy? Because they don’t. They last a matter of minutes, and then I am full. I have added fat to my body and pushed myself back days from the way I want to look. There is really no path I can go down that will lead to my happiness. I will never truly be happy. 

I hate when I’m empty after taking laxatives, and I still see fat everywhere. Knowing that it wasn’t just waste in me and a full stomach. I’m just that fat.

I’m huge and squishy. It is fucking repulsive…

My head hurts so so bad. I just want to see Josh. I may stay up til I see him even though it will worsen my headache. I am so incredibly sad and disappointed in myself. I don’t understand people. My razor is my only friend through everything.